The Nook

There is a place I like to go to when I am feeling like ‘knocking people’s hats off’ but it is not to the sea like Herman Melville, it is to a place much better. Much warmer and safer and certainly without the risk of drowning or storm. It is my favourite place in the world; it is the nook. The nook is technically not mine, as I am not the owner of it. It is not a public space to be enjoyed by all. It is not a geographic location I can run my finger over on a map. Certainly no tourists visit to take photos of and proudly display on walls or mantles or Face book. There is no night guard or hours of operation or off season.

The nook is that place on the body just above the armpit but below the shoulder and almost on the chest but not quite. It belongs to the man I love. Where when I lay down my head fits like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle. Where I feel love and affection and security wash over me like a warm ocean wave. Where the rest of my body melts over his like warm wax beginning to cool; a leg and an arm dripping over moulding myself into a human K, half beside half over his body.

The nook is the spot on someone that only is shared with their ‘person’. Maybe it’s their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend or emergency contact person. It’s not a place that many people get to go to. It is the sign of true intimacy between two people, getting to fall asleep in the nook.
It is safer than a mothers’ bed to a child after a nightmare. And it is warm like fresh banana bread on a fall morning.

I have cried there, I have laughed there; I have had some of the greatest conversations of my life there. I have fallen asleep there, I have most certainly drooled there, and I have been comforted there. I have made plans there, I have plotted there, and I have come to sad realizations there. But whatever gamut of emotions I go through there, I want to go through them there and no where else. In the nook.

'Hope I hold a special place with the rest of them"

I was making plans. That's the thing that I'm having the hardest time dealing with right now. I was making plans, but I didn't tell him I was. So I guess I'm just as guilty as him for the not being honest. Somehow in my mind it just seems different. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think I was ... Well being such a girl. But I am a girl and I have those 'girl' feeling of wanting to be wanted and wanting to be made feel pretty and special and loved.
I digress.
The point being I was making plans, not like next week plans, but like want to spend a week together kind of plans. Plans that involved my daughter. Plans that just don't matter anymore huh?

I know I need to get over this. I realize I do. I guess I'm just sick of being a No Doubt song. ( 'Ex-girlfriend ' for those that don't know) And yes I guess, ' I kinda always knew I'd up his ex girlfriend'. None of that makes this any better or easier.

I gave him an out. Actually I gave him several. I told him, fully warned him what he was getting into. And he stayed. At least he stayed until he'd gotten what he wanted? I can only guess. I just know that if he had taken one of those outs , all this wouldn't hurt so much. I never would have got to the making plans stage. I would never have got to the three words road. I would never have got to the can't eat for three days because I'm to upset kind of nausea.

I was going down that road. You know THAT road. That road where three words are said. I really wish I could have neon signs to show me the roads not to go down. Ok God. That is what would be helpful.

So there we are. I'm a giant, guilty ,loser that no one will ever like, never mind want to be around. I didn't go to university so why would they, right?

The Answer Is Yes

My own reply to my own question, how lame is that really.
But just for the record the answer is yes. There was more intent than friendship. I should correct myself there is more intent than friendship. Didn't Bridget Jones say a mini weekend vacation was true love.... Or some thing to that effect.
I don't know if I have such a black and white idea of it, but yah sure, it's nice to be wanted. Who doesn't want to be wanted?
But my question now is .... is there such a thing as too nice?

What I'm struggling with at the moment is the idea and even the word 'nice'. Does it mean different things to different people? Am I just sooooo used to guys that are total dicks that I can't take nice at face value? I keep waiting for the agenda to come out. You know what does he 'really' want? We're not even getting into the issue of sex here. But to bring someone roses and you haven't even slept with them.... something seems fishy to me. And you know what he said.... you what nerve he had..... he said ..... he said..... he was having a shitty day and it made him feel better to make me happy. I mean really!! Who does that?!!!

When Harry Met Sally ... The Idea

What was the idea in that movie? That men and women can't be friends because sex gets in the way?
Is that totally true?
My best friend is a guy. He is actually an ex boyfriend, so maybe we already solved the problem by getting the sex out of the way in the beginning?
We have a great friendship. He is one of the only people that gets me. I explain my relationship with him as soulmates, but friendly ones. We were supposed to be in each others lives, we just weren't supposed to BE together.
All of this has lead me to think about my friendships with people. I used to have a lot of guy friends, I was just one of the guys, they never looked at me like a girl . I was ok with this. I was very much a tom boy and didn't fit with the girls.
But now ... most of my friends are women, mothers actually. Mothers of my daughters friends.
Is it weird to have guy friends now at this point?
Is it a great piece of gossip, or is it just a couple of people talking?
I had a conversation with a dad at the park. At the end of the conversation he gave me his email and said we should continue chatting. At first I didn't think anything of this. Sure why not? We were having a great conversation about kids and books and life. But then a wave of guilt came over me and kept me up most of the night. As adults when you want to extend a conversation like that is it with the intent of more?

My Big Fat Gay Wedding

Ok, so the title is a little misleading. It wasn't MY wedding, it was my friends.
My wonderful friends who have been together for 8 years have wonderful loving, supportive families and are really the most adorable people.

They have been the 'posterboys' for gay marriage in Edmonton. They have been on the news and on the front page of the paper for being the first gay couple in Alberta to get a license.

I was thrilled at the invitation to join them and share in their wedding. It was a great honour.
They had about a hundred people sharing it with them, including a city councilman and a news crew. Just a quite little family wedding.
They looked great in their outfits, which were pink for one and blue for the other. Great flowers and music .... and the cake...
One of these great guys made my wedding cake, which was a tiered idea but it was all cupcakes.
My idea was ... ripped off... but thats ok. They had cupcakes with all different coloured lollipops in them. It was beautiful and colourful and yummy!!
The food was great, the toasts were long , but there was wine so who cares.
The dancing was... well ... Gloria Gainer would be proud. I haven't heard so much disco and Madonna and Cher.... since.... pride week. But I digress.

The point of all of this is .... I witnessed something great. Historic even. I got to be at a gay wedding. Yes I said wedding. Not commitment ceremony, a real , for better or worse wedding.
How long have some of us waited for this kind of thing? I am so glad my friends are able to say that they are married, and have the paper to show. A great human rights triumph was witnessed by us. And the best toast of the night came from their 6 yr old niece who introduced them..... 'these are my uncles, I love you'

Doesn't get better than that.

Saying Goodbye

I am leaving Vancouver. A couple of years ago I thought this would be the greatest thing ever!!
I hated the idea of Vancouver. " oh they just think that they're so great, they think they're England'
Ok , so now I know I was wrong. I've actually grown to like it. The mountains, the beach, the crazy people everywhere.

But now , I am leaving to go home for a little while. And I'm of mixed feelings, bittersweet I guess you would say.
I love home, it's where I grew up , my old friends are there, my family is there. But out here I've grown a little, not too much that I'm a latte drinking , lululemon wearing, shoe shopping, ponytail, dangley earring girl. But I'm just a good mix of who I was( the prairie girl who didn't fit)and who I am now, ( the west coaster who doesn't fit, but has a nice tan)

Happy Birthday To Me

It will be my 27th birthday in a few days. I am having my annual , make sense of my life melt down. But what is bothering me this year the most is that I will no longer be midtwenties. I will be late twenties ( won't I?). By this time I should have figured it out. Shouldn't I? What do I want to be when I grow up? No clue!! Where do I want to live? hmmm? What the fuck am I doing?
And in my great wisdom, I decided to go get my hair done. I thought some blonde pieces and some dark pieces would be great. I have pink hair!! Pink hair!
So now I will be a late twenties , mum, who has pink hair. This is not what I had pictured my life as. Believe me.