I was making plans. That's the thing that I'm having the hardest time dealing with right now. I was making plans, but I didn't tell him I was. So I guess I'm just as guilty as him for the not being honest. Somehow in my mind it just seems different. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think I was ... Well being such a girl. But I am a girl and I have those 'girl' feeling of wanting to be wanted and wanting to be made feel pretty and special and loved.
I digress.
The point being I was making plans, not like next week plans, but like want to spend a week together kind of plans. Plans that involved my daughter. Plans that just don't matter anymore huh?
I know I need to get over this. I realize I do. I guess I'm just sick of being a No Doubt song. ( 'Ex-girlfriend ' for those that don't know) And yes I guess, ' I kinda always knew I'd up his ex girlfriend'. None of that makes this any better or easier.
I gave him an out. Actually I gave him several. I told him, fully warned him what he was getting into. And he stayed. At least he stayed until he'd gotten what he wanted? I can only guess. I just know that if he had taken one of those outs , all this wouldn't hurt so much. I never would have got to the making plans stage. I would never have got to the three words road. I would never have got to the can't eat for three days because I'm to upset kind of nausea.
I was going down that road. You know THAT road. That road where three words are said. I really wish I could have neon signs to show me the roads not to go down. Ok God. That is what would be helpful.
So there we are. I'm a giant, guilty ,loser that no one will ever like, never mind want to be around. I didn't go to university so why would they, right?
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