Plans

My plan was to work in the salon , and then get to be a platform artist ( do hairshows and cool stuff ) and then work in theater or go on the road with a band or something cool.
I was 21 , I had a car , I had a cute place with a roommate that I didn't hate. I had friends that were fun.
But I didn't love my life. It was what it was , and I just figured as time went on I would figure out how to make it better.

Mike and I had been dating for a while. It was rocky at the best of times , but we had been really good friends and still had that bond. We didn't talk too much about the future , we didn't know what it would be .... So we just fought about the present. Both he and I had been told that we couldn't have children. So when you know that, you tend to be less careful with condoms and what not ( remember we'd been together for a while ) and if you can't have kids why would you be on the pill? That seems needless.
So then my doctor .... My doctor of 14 years tells me I'm pregnant. WTF?
Call it what you want , miracle , freak accident , whatever.... I was.
This was not in the plan.... Look up at the top and you'll see ... Not there. I was not one of those girls who had planned her whole life to be a wife and mother. Not that it was bad or wrong ... I had been told it wasn't in the cards for me. So now .... That all has to change?
Mike was thrilled . So that was something. I was in a state of shell shock. I couldn't function for the better part of 2 weeks. When it finally all settled in my head I was ...... Upset. And then guilty for being upset. What was I supposed to do? Give up my life , my plans ....... Or give up a new life for my plans. Well that was never an option to me , the fact that I was being given a chance by god or who ever, I wasn't going to mess with that.
And so I worked until I got too big ( and I got big). I was at home for about a month before she was born. That is not an experience I would like to do again. I got no pleasure out of being pregnant. I ate everything in site , had to pee every 10 minutes , oh my god the heartburn!!
But then she was born. And I kept waiting for someone to come and take her. It was surreal.
I had no idea how to dress a baby. I had no idea how to do anything. It was terrifying.
I did manage my way through. A lot of tearful phone calls to my mom. A lot of crying 'what do you want?" But she is alive and happy and stubborn and funny and gifted and beautiful.
And I wonder .. Would I feel like this if I had gone with my plan? Don't get me wrong , I don't think the world is all roses , but I get a lot more enjoyment out of life than I did.
I think she's taught me that. She doesn't care if we spend all day in our pj's, or if my hair is all wonky. She thinks I'm the prettiest and I give the best hugs. Somehow I don't think Bono would have been saying the same thing to me?