When Harry Met Sally ... The Idea

What was the idea in that movie? That men and women can't be friends because sex gets in the way?
Is that totally true?
My best friend is a guy. He is actually an ex boyfriend, so maybe we already solved the problem by getting the sex out of the way in the beginning?
We have a great friendship. He is one of the only people that gets me. I explain my relationship with him as soulmates, but friendly ones. We were supposed to be in each others lives, we just weren't supposed to BE together.
All of this has lead me to think about my friendships with people. I used to have a lot of guy friends, I was just one of the guys, they never looked at me like a girl . I was ok with this. I was very much a tom boy and didn't fit with the girls.
But now ... most of my friends are women, mothers actually. Mothers of my daughters friends.
Is it weird to have guy friends now at this point?
Is it a great piece of gossip, or is it just a couple of people talking?
I had a conversation with a dad at the park. At the end of the conversation he gave me his email and said we should continue chatting. At first I didn't think anything of this. Sure why not? We were having a great conversation about kids and books and life. But then a wave of guilt came over me and kept me up most of the night. As adults when you want to extend a conversation like that is it with the intent of more?

My Big Fat Gay Wedding

Ok, so the title is a little misleading. It wasn't MY wedding, it was my friends.
My wonderful friends who have been together for 8 years have wonderful loving, supportive families and are really the most adorable people.

They have been the 'posterboys' for gay marriage in Edmonton. They have been on the news and on the front page of the paper for being the first gay couple in Alberta to get a license.

I was thrilled at the invitation to join them and share in their wedding. It was a great honour.
They had about a hundred people sharing it with them, including a city councilman and a news crew. Just a quite little family wedding.
They looked great in their outfits, which were pink for one and blue for the other. Great flowers and music .... and the cake...
One of these great guys made my wedding cake, which was a tiered idea but it was all cupcakes.
My idea was ... ripped off... but thats ok. They had cupcakes with all different coloured lollipops in them. It was beautiful and colourful and yummy!!
The food was great, the toasts were long , but there was wine so who cares.
The dancing was... well ... Gloria Gainer would be proud. I haven't heard so much disco and Madonna and Cher.... since.... pride week. But I digress.

The point of all of this is .... I witnessed something great. Historic even. I got to be at a gay wedding. Yes I said wedding. Not commitment ceremony, a real , for better or worse wedding.
How long have some of us waited for this kind of thing? I am so glad my friends are able to say that they are married, and have the paper to show. A great human rights triumph was witnessed by us. And the best toast of the night came from their 6 yr old niece who introduced them..... 'these are my uncles, I love you'

Doesn't get better than that.

Saying Goodbye

I am leaving Vancouver. A couple of years ago I thought this would be the greatest thing ever!!
I hated the idea of Vancouver. " oh they just think that they're so great, they think they're England'
Ok , so now I know I was wrong. I've actually grown to like it. The mountains, the beach, the crazy people everywhere.

But now , I am leaving to go home for a little while. And I'm of mixed feelings, bittersweet I guess you would say.
I love home, it's where I grew up , my old friends are there, my family is there. But out here I've grown a little, not too much that I'm a latte drinking , lululemon wearing, shoe shopping, ponytail, dangley earring girl. But I'm just a good mix of who I was( the prairie girl who didn't fit)and who I am now, ( the west coaster who doesn't fit, but has a nice tan)

Happy Birthday To Me

It will be my 27th birthday in a few days. I am having my annual , make sense of my life melt down. But what is bothering me this year the most is that I will no longer be midtwenties. I will be late twenties ( won't I?). By this time I should have figured it out. Shouldn't I? What do I want to be when I grow up? No clue!! Where do I want to live? hmmm? What the fuck am I doing?
And in my great wisdom, I decided to go get my hair done. I thought some blonde pieces and some dark pieces would be great. I have pink hair!! Pink hair!
So now I will be a late twenties , mum, who has pink hair. This is not what I had pictured my life as. Believe me.

The Outlaws

Having inlaws is a weird thing. They are my 'family' but they have no connection to me at the same time. Now mine are especially weird. Just in their very being. They have a very different way of.... living shall we call it.

A few weeks ago my sister inlaw ( my husbands brothers wife) calls and asks if they can come and visit for a few days. Well they have two girls the same age and younger than my daughter and we hadn't seen them in a few months, so I thought it would be nice.
A couple of days of cramped quarters is fine , right? In the name of family.

Well, they arrived a day early , without any warning. Now I am not Martha Stewart, but i do like to have my house looking nice when people come over to visit. Fine what ever.
Things seemed ok. The kids played , we went out to the park, had big dinners, you know 'family stuff'. Well two days turned into three, into four, into a week. What the hell? A few days?

My house at this point looked like a Walmart had exploded inside of it. There was crap everywhere. Clothes dirty and clean strewn all though out the house. My freezer was running low and my pantry looked like there had just been a war. Those two things amused me and pissed me off at the same time , because I didn't have 'anything to eat' or had 'the wrong kind of food'. So the fact that there was none shows that at least some was good enough.

To also give you a clear picture of this we live in a two bedroom place. Imean it's a large suite, 1200sqft, but still, it's not like a huge house where you have room to hide out. It a nice open place , thats why I liked it. But when you ahve to go into the bathroom to talk on the phone it becomes a little ridiculous.

So they are gone. Thank you God. But this leads me to think about the actuall title of who they are. The "INLAWS", to me this indicates that they are 'invited', 'in' on things , but really it just meant 'in' my house. So I have no begun to call them the 'outlaws' , as in 'out' of my house.
And as for the next time they come to visit, there is a nice little B&B just down the road.

What's my age again?

How old is the age when you grow up?

What I mean is .. is there an age that is set that is the day you must take out your nose ring and hand in your sex pistols shirt?

I am in a state of constant conflict. I am young ( 27 in a month) but everyone with kids my daughters age are ... Not young? I have a friend , a parent of a girl my daughter plays with. She just turned 40. She is fun and all but don't ask her to play any 'Rancid' or 'Social Distortion'

That's okay, I don't mind. I just want to know if (to be thought of as a responsible person and a good parent) if I have to give up the loud music and the funky hair colours? I did take out the eyebrow ring. But I miss it.
Can my daughter be proud of who she is if I show her that I have have to change to be 'part of the world'? I like being different, but it also means being off to the side, not getting included and that sucks.

Well as it stands I will wear my clash tshirts to pick her up and my hair will never stay the same colour. She likes green day and wants blue hair. I guess I've lost her in the eyes of the world anyway? So what's the problem eh?
' I want to be the minority' \m/ \m/

UMMMM?

I like cars. Old cars mostly. '56 Belair, '58 buick special, '65 mustang . All very good things!!
But I hate to drive. How does that make sense? I want to get an old car and rebuild it ( I was an old man in my last life I guess?) but am I going to drive it? What is the sense in doing all that work for the car to sit and look pretty?

Driving makes me sweat and nervous and grip the wheel until my knuckles are white. I have to do yoga breathing just to make it through a busy section. How pathetic. I hate it though. It scares me ... I get no pleasure out of it. I will not be one of those people that 'is a driver'.
I am a passenger!! Just like susxie said. And I ride and I ride!!

I have no idea? Just rambling really.

Plans

My plan was to work in the salon , and then get to be a platform artist ( do hairshows and cool stuff ) and then work in theater or go on the road with a band or something cool.
I was 21 , I had a car , I had a cute place with a roommate that I didn't hate. I had friends that were fun.
But I didn't love my life. It was what it was , and I just figured as time went on I would figure out how to make it better.

Mike and I had been dating for a while. It was rocky at the best of times , but we had been really good friends and still had that bond. We didn't talk too much about the future , we didn't know what it would be .... So we just fought about the present. Both he and I had been told that we couldn't have children. So when you know that, you tend to be less careful with condoms and what not ( remember we'd been together for a while ) and if you can't have kids why would you be on the pill? That seems needless.
So then my doctor .... My doctor of 14 years tells me I'm pregnant. WTF?
Call it what you want , miracle , freak accident , whatever.... I was.
This was not in the plan.... Look up at the top and you'll see ... Not there. I was not one of those girls who had planned her whole life to be a wife and mother. Not that it was bad or wrong ... I had been told it wasn't in the cards for me. So now .... That all has to change?
Mike was thrilled . So that was something. I was in a state of shell shock. I couldn't function for the better part of 2 weeks. When it finally all settled in my head I was ...... Upset. And then guilty for being upset. What was I supposed to do? Give up my life , my plans ....... Or give up a new life for my plans. Well that was never an option to me , the fact that I was being given a chance by god or who ever, I wasn't going to mess with that.
And so I worked until I got too big ( and I got big). I was at home for about a month before she was born. That is not an experience I would like to do again. I got no pleasure out of being pregnant. I ate everything in site , had to pee every 10 minutes , oh my god the heartburn!!
But then she was born. And I kept waiting for someone to come and take her. It was surreal.
I had no idea how to dress a baby. I had no idea how to do anything. It was terrifying.
I did manage my way through. A lot of tearful phone calls to my mom. A lot of crying 'what do you want?" But she is alive and happy and stubborn and funny and gifted and beautiful.
And I wonder .. Would I feel like this if I had gone with my plan? Don't get me wrong , I don't think the world is all roses , but I get a lot more enjoyment out of life than I did.
I think she's taught me that. She doesn't care if we spend all day in our pj's, or if my hair is all wonky. She thinks I'm the prettiest and I give the best hugs. Somehow I don't think Bono would have been saying the same thing to me?

Laundry Service

Just in the interest of being clear let me fully explain what my life is.
I am in fact a 'stay at home mom' , I work part time at a salon as a receptionist , I am a girl guide leader ( sparks ), I am a taxi driver for the girls in tap class and I get to do the cooking and cleaning and laundry.
This is not my complaint. I understand that there were certain duties I took on when the decision was made for me to stay home. That's fine. It's not excatly what I pictured my life being.... but that's another story really
.
We rent half a house. Up and down, utilities included , big yard , garage. Really a good deal I feel. We share the washer and dryer with the other renters. Well that is the general idea.
I have a weeks worth of laundry to do in one day because I haven't been able to GET at the damn thing in a week. Now I am a reasonable person and I understand they have a baby and that makes a lot of laundry , but come on!!
I like to pretend I have a life....... I mean I have a life. My idea of fun IS NOT to have to be home to change over laundry. Just to clear that up. I also do not do any Ginger Rogers moves with the mop. I do blast the Sex Pistols when I clean....... But I'm very odd.

Happy valentines day

Every year on valentines day I've been sick.
This year is no exception. At least it's just a cold this year.

One year my boyfriend made me dinner. He spent all this time making this great pasta dish and grilled the foccacia bread and everything. I had one bite of bread had to run to the bathroom and throw up. He was like ' fine if that's what you think of my cooking then I won't do it again'. It's not that the food was bad, I just had the flu. The thing that sucks most about that is I can't eat foccacia bread anymore , the smell reminds me of getting sick. It's really terrible. I can't eat what I've seen in reverse. But that in itself is a whole other crazy thing.

Last year it was my wisdom teeth. I had just had them pulled a few days before and I got an infection and was on T3's and some other great codeine stuff. I couldn't chew anything. So we had romantic jello. Really not as exciting as it sounds. I was just trying to keep from falling asleep in it.

And now this year I have a cold, not just a couple of sniffles but a stupid runny nose and throat that makes me sound like Keith Richards. Wow that's sexy. Not that we are in much of a mood to cuddle , but you know what I mean. I have some great medicine , I'll be better in a couple of days, but it knocks me out. So there you go happy valentines day, I hope I don't drool on you.

I hope you have a better one than me. Eat lots of cinnamon hearts.

My Job?

I am a leader for my daughters 'sparks' unit. It's like brownies but younger girls. First of all ...what the hell was i thinking?!!
A room full of 5/6 yr old girls ... whose idea of fun is that?

I am preparing for this weeks meeting. We are learning about other countries.. this week is India. Ok i don't know anything about India. I have a book to help me..uh yah. I still know nothing about India. So now I have to fill an hour and fifteen minutes with games and crafts and stories and stuff about India. Does anyone know how long an hour and fifteen minutes can be?
A long friggin time let me tell you.

So this got me to thinking ( thats never good ) I am worried about having to entertain them all. Well thats not why i'm there ..is it? I'm supposed to be a role model ( oh god did they ever find the wrong person ... Britney might be better) We are supposed to teach them skills and give them self esteam. Can i not have someone do that for me?
But this lead me into a whole rollercoaster of thoughts. At the end of it i realized that my big concern is that they like me..that they remeber having fun with us.
OK that could go into the good colum or the bad. Am I feeling that little that I need valadation from 14 little girls?
Or do i really care that they have happy memories?
Lets go with the last one....less depressing and costs me nothing in therapy.

So if anyone has girls in sparks.... don't worry they're in very good hands. Possibly shakey ones , but good hands.

Fire Side Reading

I need help finding a new book. All I have to read is the cereal box. Enjoying the works of Captain Crunch and Tucan Sam are not as great of a read as one might think.
I want something good , real , sink my teeth into..... Like a turkey sandwich. ( mmmm turkey)

I just finished 'Confederacy of Dunces' , that was so highly recommended .... And well I really didn't like it. I just couldn't get into it.
I've enjoyed Christopher Moore on several occasions, most recently "Fluke". That was really funny and imaginative and all sorts of messed up. How would you react if there was a bum hole in the bottom of your sink? ( read it you'll get it.)
I always enjoy Douglas Copeland " All families are psychotic" made me feel so much better about mine.

So I make a plea .. to anyone....Help . Recommend something!!!!

The system

I have friend who is on 'welfare' , she has a disability and can't work. She is doing a great job as a single mom of two girls. She has shown me a thing or two about shopping and money.
What bothers me is that she gets help from other agencies ( food bank , salvation army, etc.) but she can't get help from two of them at once. Does that make sense? One can't know the other is helping, or they will kick her off the help list. Uhhh ok? She can't work , not she doesn't want to. She babysits other peoples kids for free ( yes including mine) , she doesn't ask to get paid for it. How is it that we live in a system that can let so many families fall through the cracks?
We can barely afford our 'free' healthcare, we make too much money to get subsidy. If we make too much I'd love to know where it is? I guess I just squander it all on rent and food and bills.
But we are not the only family in this situation, there are so many like us.
What is it that we are supposed to do? Even as a community.
And as for my friend and the free babysitting... She doesn't have a car so when ever she has to go anywhere I drive her and her girls , so they don't have to take the bus. That's how I repay her.

Enough!!!

I love U2. My longest running relationship is with the men in U2. I have pictures of myself outside Bono's house ( current and where he grew up ).
I made a velvet dress for the 'popmart' tour. I stood outside until 6 in the morning just to get a chance to see them. All totally worth it.

Tickets for their new tour have gone on sale.
I don't have have lots of money just stashed under my mattress ( I don't know about the rest of you?) so I opted not to register myself to get the presale tickets. $40 is a lot to part with when you haven't been working and your car needs gas.
I stood in line for over 3 hrs Saturday morning with my daughter who really wanted to come with me to the concert.
They did a lottery system. Everyone got a # and then they picked one out of a hat and thats where the line started. My # was 395 ...... They picked 397. I was now second to last in line.
As if that wasn't bad enough my cell phone company started to have system problems.
Tickets sold out in 480 seconds. And I'm glad for the people who got them.
I just can't help but feel that I deserved ( and needed) them a little more than some of the people that did get them.

I don't mean that in a nasty way. But when my 5yr old knows U2 music after the first note , you know it's played a lot. She was with me at Bono's gates (18 months old).
I have a love for these guys like some people love their families ( this is what i'm told)
and it saddens me to think that the 'real' fans don't really get a fair shot.
If I had extra cash to join the fan club I would have. If I had a bunch of friends to scatter through the line I would have. If my computer worked well and I didn't have cheap crappy service I would have done it that way.

So what are we supposed to do? Come on Bono i'm for the drop the dept stuff , but can you not just throw us a bone here? Do yah really need that much more $?

Insert foot in mouth

I have to say I thought the world was really a lot smaller. You know like the song says.
but it's not. And that's ok , that means there are lots more people out there for me to yell at.
I'm kidding.
no really.
yesterday I really did feel like I was the only person in the world who had no voice.
and then someone read this, and I was shocked.
I am new to the whole computer thing. I managed to slip under the radar of every computer class I had in school. Last year when I finally got a computer .... I yelled at it to make my email go. :-)
yah I'm that good.
the idea of communication like this is all very new and strange. But something i can see getting very addicted to.
so really what I have to say is thank you . Wow , who'd of thunk it?

Lost Love?

Have you ever played the what if game?
Of coarse you have. Well that has been my main pastime as of late.

I have been thinking if I hadn't made certain decisions ( ie: getting married at 21 , having a baby, moving out to Vancouver) my life would be something else.
Well duh , right?

But what I'm wondering is who would it have been with? It wouldn't have been with my husband I know this. The high school sweet heart? Not likely , we're still friends.
Or the guy that was always there as a friend and then found out he loves you? Well....... Could be?

So do I regret all these things? Good question. Should I?

My marriage is a wreck ( big surprise) but I have my daughter. I don't regret her.
I'm out in a place where I have no family , but I've made great friends, I don't regret that.

Do I try and find the lost 'love' or do I just let it be? I would love to be able to just say sorry.

Unsure and unsettled

I'm just having a right sh*t day.
And well I clicked on something wrong and wound up here. I thought this looked fun , but honestly I think I will be the only person reading this.

Oh well ... cathartic I guess.

So there are wars raging all over the world ....and all that I'm worried about is if I get my house clean in time for visitors (damn you Martha)

So there you go.
I'm a selfish bastard just like all those people I hate. I'm one of them. That alone makes me want to run out and give all my $ to charity. But then I would have none and that would suck.